Zsa Zsa Zaturnnah: Ze Moveeh (2006)

Joel Lamangan’s adaptation of Carlo Vergara’s highly successful graphic novel Ang Kagila-gilalas na Pakikipagsapalaran ni Zsa Zsa Zaturnnah (Visual Print Enterprises, 2002) into a Metro Manila Film Festival entry in 2006 failed to maximize the audio-visual nature of the film to translate the magic that was in Vergara’s comic work. The basic storyline and the problematics in gender politics were there, but they were Vergara’s; the direction did not bother to complicate it further with its own take on the issues: Ada (Rustom Padilla) got a superheroine power from a huge stone that would turn him into Zsa Zsa Zaturnnah (Zsa Zsa Padilla) when swallowed. She was initiated by her sidekick and parlor assistant Didi (Chokoleit) into the tasks of being a hero. While keeping her love for Dodong (Alfred Vargas) a secret, she fought the arrival of a giant frog and zombies in a small town far from Manila. In the end, she fought against the team of Amazonistas from outer space headed by Queen Femina Suarestellar Baroux (Pops Fernandez) who wanted to eliminate the male species on Earth. When Zaturnnah emerged the winner, Ada was doubly triumphant (as in win na win) when Dodong expressed his true feelings for him.

I have failed to watch any of the book’s stage adaptations before (something I still feel miserable about) and the bad reviews and low box-office returns of the movie during its film festival run kept me then from spending money on it. I recently got a DVD copy of the film and began watching it when the rain fell heavily here in Marikina. The film, thanks to the mother of coincidences, opened with a musical sequence on the coming of a heavy rain. It was potentially a beautiful opening, if only the choreography and direction were not so bad. The cinematography also looked amateurish, the singing horrible and the extras who uttered some lines were so robotic that they’d beat every Metro Manila mayor who uttered lines badly in the MMDA’s Metro Gwapo campaign that was also shown in the movie houses during film festivals, I believe. I’d cringe over the MMDA campaign everytime I’d see it; I wanted to turn off my computer when I heard the extras comment on the rain in Lamangan’s movie. But it was now or never, and so I decided to keep on watching.

I finished the movie for the sake of just finishing the movie. Zsa Zsa Padilla tried to be “gay” all throughout but somehow just fell short of being one. She was more confused than someone experiencing an identity crisis. The opening’s choice to comment on the rain would not echo in any other part of the film. Lamangan could not decide if he wanted it to be a musical or just a film with random song and dance numbers that would not even pass as MTV’s. The songs on and of Dodong’s were presented as dream sequence and as a scene entirely out of the narrative because of the movie’s indecisions with form. The ending hinted on a part two in a very Okay Ka Fairy Ko movie kind of way, but I didn’t think I can stand another two hours of it. I’m not even commenting here on how disastrous the graphic design was–which was supposedly the asset of any decent fantasy film!

Did I say I was disappointed? Now I understand why they had to remove the kagila-gilalas in the title of the original graphic novel.